To the one i wish i could love,
How i wish our memories could be like the wasp on the bathroom mirror. One swift sweep and all gone. But they aren’t, they stick around . Sometimes , they fool you into believing they are gone, but they come back. Every single time, they come gushing by, like a flooded river flow. And i stand there unable to stop it, trying hard to come back to the present.
So many nights i look at your face, peaceful and silent , and feel guilty, for not being the whole of me, when i am with you. For leaving a part of me with someone else, someone you would never really come to know.
You aren’t her, and that would never change. Wrong it is , you will say, to compare you with someone else, someone who is long gone. But feelings aren’t always rational, are they? I wish i could feel for you the way i want to, but it doesn’t really happen. It isn’t anyone’s fault, i guess; not her, not mine definitely not yours. We are probably just bunch of right people in wrong relationships.
I think about the lives and how they are intertwined into each other. Of people being in our lives ,long after they have gone. Sitting Kilometers away , she won’t have an inkling, of how she is still there… has been , all along. Often i wonder, would you catch the lie in my eyes when i tell you, past is all forgotten? I am good at keeping secrets and good at lying , they say; and i hope that’s the truth. I don’t wish to be honest with you, i know it will hurt. I want you to believe what i say, and i want to say a million times, so that at some point i also start believing in the 3 worded lie i often tell you.
All of us feel a certain way in life, which is irreplaceable. The feeling that some people tend to leave us with, just cannot be replaced by anything or anyone else. It wasn’t a first love for me, but still it lingers and is stronger than anything else i have even felt.
How convenient it would have been, if we could disintegrate the memories , take some part of it and bury it somewhere deep inside the ocean, never to find them again. How convenient it would then have been, for us to fall in love and to experience the magic together. But life isn’t convenient, and so here I am, trying with all my heart to fall for you the way I had fallen for someone back then.
My intentions, is all that is honest in me, and that is all I have for you. With all my earnest intentions, I changed everything; the chair, the rug, the vase, the color of the wall , the lamp in the room. But the memories are stubborn, they hover around the place, like a ghost, and I get gravitated towards them, once again.
Unlike the lovers, I don’t wish for you to see within me, for it is darkness that you shall witness. I want you to be hopeful instead, for love and belongingness, for companionship and serendipity, for honesty and happiness.
As I address you today, I leave it incomplete, just the way we are…..
Trying to be yours ,